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If you're jokes don't land become a pilot.

You have a soulmate. I have a sole roommate. We are not the same.

You think your foot falling asleep is bad? My whole body falls asleep every night.

 Superman Man of Steal: The world's strongest kleptomaniac

"It’s not Digiorno. It’s delivery."      -UPS

Murder mystery night, but guy actually thinks someone was murdered

You suffer from night terrors. I suffer from night terrorists we are not the same.

Where do hipsters shop in the Middle east? Turban outfitters

A former CIA agent turned former FedEx CEO- An Ex-Fed Ex-FedEx Ex-Exec

Guy that has the ability to fly but only in the confines of an airplane

You have a high jean problem I have a hygiene problem we are not the same

Nudist colony's go on strike by wearing clothes

The chiropractor was found to be a fraud: Turns out he had a bad back story

Friend: “I’m allergic to Great Danes.” Me: "Yeah, you’d hate Denmark”

Yeah my rents only $200 but I live in an escape room

What do you call a fortune teller who perfectly predicts the past? A historian

We could play slap jack but he’s got a weak chin.

I was arrested in a Sting operation by the Police today, all because I told someone, “Don't stand so close to me.” Sting told me he’s been watching me for months, down to “Every breath you take.” as he said.  I asked him “You’ve got me wrapped around your finger don’t you?” He said “I do do do, de da da da.”

I went on the pirate ship ride at the carnival, by the end of it there was a mutiny and everyone had scurvy.

Mail order bride vs Male order bride

Blind men playing slap jack with braille cards. 

Person desperate for work takes a job at a cat call center

I went on the pirate ship ride at the carnival, by the end of it there was a mutiny and everyone had scurvy.

I hate when people tailgate just feet behind me. I especially hate it on Saturdays in the parking lot.

I own a food rental company but I'm not seeing a lot of return.


I take notes for every idea that comes to mind. Every word, concept, thought, and ryhme deserves its own line and its own time. Some may be good but most are bad, these are some of the most random ones I've had.  

I've constantly got my nose in the notebook that no one knows I'm always noting in. I have multiple notebooks completely filled so when I was gifted a free one this year, it was a really big deal. 



I’d be perfectly fine never paying for a movie ticket again. I frequently unwind by laying in bed listening to music and playing back memories of my childhood in my head. I love remembering certain feelings, experiences, and moments that only music can evoke. A defining point in my life was the 12 hour drive from Tucson to Salt Lake where each family member would take turns driving and playing their music in the car. These are my memories of those childhood trips.

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